


Harshness in the System, Diminished

by GhostCwtch



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Food Issues, Newt is not having a good time, Recovery, Sort Of, post Pacific Rim: Uprising, semi-stream of consciouness, the start of recovery anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 13:17:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14189781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostCwtch/pseuds/GhostCwtch
Summary: Newt is freed and he is getting better. He is.





	Harshness in the System, Diminished

They free him from Alice.

 

And it is, it is being _freed_ , but he never thought that it would be such a painful process. It makes sense, his brain got used to those reward centers being lit up by only one thing and needing it more and more and not really having to carry the load of running his life or even thinking at all really.

 

That’s gone now.

 

Now Newt is left with himself and the hazy memories of the last few years and the extremely clear memories of the slide that lead into Alice the years before.

 

Hermann escaped though. That was important. Hermann hadn’t needed Alice the way Newt had, hadn’t had the double initial imprint on the Hive, hadn’t been _hunted_ , the way Newt was. The Hive had known about Hermann, of course. Had known everything about him and all the things Newt thought and felt and the Hive _knew_.

 

But that was all gone now. It _is_. Newt is alone in his brain.

 

Again.

 

It is better. This is how humans were supposed to be. A one mind per brain ratio, and his brain has never been especially quiet so it wasn’t even like it was _that_ quiet, not compared to other people. Louder than it had been before even, he thought. Maybe.

 

It’s just that he’d got a little bit, a smidge really, used to having them, a whole other universe, in here with him. Being the only part of the Hive on this side of the Breach meant a lot of attention, a lot of contact, from everyone left behind.

 

 _No_. Not left behind.

 

_he was the one left behind and now he was cut off and would be always alone  
_ _and he couldn’t take the quiet the silence it was too much and  
_ _too little at the same time and oh god he was alone_

 

 _No_. Stop. Breathe.

 

He is getting better now that he is free. Everyone said that it would take time for him to settle, they told him the science, their theories of withdrawal and that his receptors were all out of whack, used to being slammed open for full throttle reception. The only receiver picking up the loudest mental radio waved tuned into just his frequency. He hadn’t listened. The new jaeger code was seared into his mind in a way that almost over wrote everything he’d been before. He used to know neuroscience, biology. Lived for it really, rockstar science all around. But now, well, he _really_ knew that jaeger code front to back is what he was saying.

 

“Newton.”

 

He doesn’t mean to flinch away, he doesn’t. It is time for Hermann’s daily visit and he is the only one who comes, the only one left really who knew. The only one who knew _Newt-from-before_ and _Newt-from-now_ and what it was to _not be alone_.

 

“They told me you’ve been ill once again, Newton. You know that for them to release you to me you must cease doing this to yourself. They need to see some kind of self-regulation, some kind of progress, to convince them.”

 

And yes, yes that had happened, he had done that, eaten and then been sick and then eaten more and been _worse_ but he couldn’t _stop_. He was just so empty now, and so used to being filled and just. It was better now. He was sure that it was. But, it was, maybe, harder too.

 

 _he felt so hollow all the time his thoughts bouncing around unbound inside his skull_  
and the ricochet is going to kill him he swears but no   
it won’t it won’t it won’t he’ll just suffer forever and be alone alone alone

 

Hermann sighs and perches on the edge of Newt’s bed. They didn’t strap Newt down anymore, had decided the only one he was a threat to was himself and they maybe-mostly-didn’t care about that at all.

 

Hermann cared though. Cares.

 

So Newt tries his best.

 

He is _trying_ to get _better_.

 

“I promise you, Newton, once you are released I will take you with me, and we will go to our new quarters. Everything has been arranged. I’ve readied the paperwork to take a leave of absence, but I shan’t take it until you’re ready. I have your effects, the ones I thought you would want to keep. Though, some have been locked into the wheels of evidentiary bureaucracy so you will have to take your own inventory.”

 

Newt manages to curl towards Hermann. His hands clenched in the sheets he is shivering all over, but he can still give Hermann this much.

 

“Our circumstances are much improved over the Hong Kong Shatterdome. Do you remember, Newton? Those tiny bunks with barely enough room for a proper holo-display, if you were willing to have that and a bed, but nothing else.”

 

Hermann trails off. Newt does remember that, remembers everything before that first Drift so clearly, memories sharpened by the Precursor’s constant review, going over and over the edges, turning in his mind until they cut like glass.

 

But, Hermann is here. Hermann is here for Newt and today, maybe today Newt can try and be here for Hermann, just a little bit, maybe.

 

Unclenching his fists from the sheets almost hurts, and reaching out is worse. He’s not just shivering now, but shaking, his muscles jumping, but he is determined and today he’s going to show them that his rockstar attitude is unchanged. He is Newton fucking Geiszler. He’s going to show Hermann that he’s not gone, he _wants_ that room in quarters with Hermann and not this sterile, _empty_ place where he’s so, so alone.

 

He reaches out, and latches onto the hem of Hermann’s cardigan and clenches in _that,_ instead of the sheets.

 

It takes a moment, what feels like a long moment but Newt will admit that he maybe doesn’t have the best time perception these days. But Hermann does look down, and Newt can’t meet his eyes, but he’s made the connection and he knows, thinks, _~~knows?~~_ that Hermann will wait for him, because Newt is free now, and Hermann is the only one left who knows what it’s like to not be alone.


End file.
